7 Habits of Highly Effective Marriages
Who knew – almost 40 years ago – what life would have in store for me when I met her. Heidi is my wife, and the mother of our four (now adult) children. She has supported me unconditionally, and believed in me and in all my dreams. Heidi is patient and kind, and her smile can make even grumpy people change their disposition. She is caring, considerate, and generous, and she takes great care of our family and our household. I don’t know what I did to deserve her, but I am eternally grateful that God brought us together. I’m a very lucky man.
Recently, Heidi and I sat down and answered the question, “What are the traits, qualities and characteristics that cause strong marriages to thrive?” Here’s what we came up with – the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Marriages.
It’s important to mention that there are many other resources providing “secrets to success” in relationships. They are all worth reading, in my opinion. I believe wholeheartedly in constant and never ending improvement, and marriage (and other relationships) is obviously one of the most important areas of our life.
These tips work for all relationships – not just one in which two people are married. If you want to strengthen any relationship, then applying these techniques will help.
1. You get out of marriage what you put into it
I’ve read that marriage is not 50-50 – that it works best when both partners are giving 100%. While that’s true, the reality is that we go through periods where we are playing full out – giving 100% – and other times when we are lax. The same goes for your spouse or significant other.
Thankfully, Heidi and I both recognize this – that life goes in ebbs and flows. There are times when I’m super focused on Heidi, and other times when I don’t do as good a job.
As for most things, though, you get out of a relationship what you put into it. If you are not pouring into your relationship, then you shouldn’t be surprised when it isn’t thriving.
2. Find common interests
Heidi and I have very different interests, so we struggle with this one sometimes. You should see us trying to choose a movie to watch! I like action-adventure, and Heidi is keen on romantic comedies. Our common ground is documentaries, as we both enjoy human-interest stories, and learning.
We have bowled together through the years, and Heidi even learned to play squash. That went great, until she tore her ACL during a lesson!
It’s okay to have your own interests, but find things you enjoy doing together, too. The more fun you can have together, the stronger your relationship will be.
3. Don’t expect everything to be right all the time
Have you ever thought, or said, one of these phrases?
“My relationship is getting boring.”
“How do we break the routine in our marriage?”
“Our relationship has become so predictable.”
It’s been said that we live in an “instant gratification society,” a world where we expect to feel good all the time. The extension of this in a relationship is that we expect to be thriving in our relationships. All the time.
The reality of all relationships, though, is that we go through periods of smooth sailing, and seasons of rocky roads. Enduring relationships stand the test of time, and successfully navigate through periods of occasional boredom and routine.
The key, I think, is contentment. There’s a saying, “Be happy with what you have, while you pursue all that you want.” To me, this speaks to contentment. You shouldn’t expect your relationship to be at a “10” all the time. But, if you work hard on the other habits of highly effective relationships, I think you’ll find great satisfaction most of the time.
4. Strive to become best friends
Think about the person you describe as your “best friend.” This person is likely someone you feel safe with, can bounce ideas off (without judgement), share thoughts and feelings with (in a variety of areas). You are comfortable seeking guidance and feedback from this person, because you know they will accept you as you are.
You might have a best friend, or several good friends. These relationships are vitally important. I even wrote an article about these relationships, entitled “The Family You Choose”.
In a healthy marriage, that “person” is your spouse. Your wife, or husband, will be the person with whom you want to share your day, your goals, and your dreams. And she/he will feel the same way about you.
5. Put God at the center of your marriage
For Heidi and me, God has always been at the center of our marriage. We attended church together even before we were married, and were married in a very traditional wedding service in a church. We take that covenant very seriously, and our relationship with Christ is the single biggest reason our marriage has stood the test of time.
It’s important to note that I realize not everyone has the same belief. I respect that, and I’m just sharing what has worked for us.
There’s a verse in the Bible, Ecclesiastes 4:12:
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
For us, the “third strand” of our relationship is vitally important. Our relationship with Christ has helped us overcome the challenges in our marriage, and I can’t imagine not having that support structure in our lives.
6. Discover your partner’s love language, and speak to him/her in that language
One of the best books I’ve ever read in the area of relationships is The Five Love Languages. Written by Dr. Gary Chapman, the book outlines five general ways that people express and experience love, which Chapman calls “love languages.”
The five languages are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. You can learn your love language by taking the free quiz at:
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
Heidi and I not only know our own love languages, but we also know the love language of each of our children. This is an easy way to get to the core of what’s important to those closest to you.
Speaking to your spouse (or significant other) in their love language demonstrates that what’s important to your spouse matters to you, and shows that you care about and support their happiness.
7. Don’t sweat the small stuff
One thing we’ve noticed at this stage in our lives is that the things we thought were “big”, really weren’t. I wonder how many relationships that don’t last would end up thriving if both partners stuck around long enough to realize this.
I’m sure I have quirks, personality traits, and habits that Heidi wished were different. Early in our marriage, there were certain things that “bugged me” far more than they do today. I’ve realized over time that some things aren’t going to change, and I’m much better about living with those things. Heidi certainly is, too.
Much of what seems big at the time is really “small stuff.” So, don’t sweat it, and your relationship will benefit tremendously.
This list isn’t meant to be complete. There are many principles for strong marriages and healthy relationships. What habits and strategies do you have for highly effective relationships and a happy marriage? Please share your comments below.
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Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres…. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
– 1 Corinthians 13:4-7;13
