The 5 Love Languages
As you know, I’m a voracious reader. I love learning and, even more importantly, I love applying what I learn from reading to improve my life.
Since we’re focusing on relationships this month, and emphasizing the importance of love in our lives, I want to share a book – and a “relationship philosophy” that has profoundly impacted the quality of my relationships with those closest to me. By learning about and applying the information I’m going to share, it can have the same impact for you and those around you.
The book is called The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. (Note, the original title was The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.)
What I love about the book is the concepts are simple, easy to understand, and easy to apply. While I was originally drawn to the book as a way to enhance my relationship with my wife, Heidi, what I learned over time is this powerful tool can be used with our children, and indeed with any relationships I wanted to nurture and strengthen.
The premise of The 5 Love Languages book is that, because we are all different people with different personalities, we give and receive love in different ways. The huge takeaway is that, by discovering our own love language and the languages of those closest to us, and incorporating what we learn into our actions, we can grow closer to those we love.
The author of The 5 Love Languages is Dr. Gary Chapman. Heidi and I had the pleasure of meeting Gary and his wife Karolyn at a conference a couple years ago. I always enjoy learning about relationships from couples who have been married a long time, and Gary and Karolyn have been married over 45 years. No wonder he knows so much about forming lasting relationships!
Below are the 5 Love Languages. As you read through them, think about what your love language might be, and also about the language that stands out for your spouse or significant others, as well as others who are close to you.
Acts of Service
If actions speak louder than words, and you feel loved and appreciated when someone “does something” to help you, then Acts of Service is probably your primary love language. Doing simple chores around the house, fixing something that’s been broken for a while, or returning a purchase that’s been sitting on the counter are all ways to express love for those who appreciate acts of service.
Receiving Gifts
This is the love language that sometimes gets criticized, because it seems materialistic. While it might seem that everyone enjoys receiving a heartfelt gift, it truly means more for those whose dominant love language is Receiving Gifts. The gifts don’t have to be big, because even a small gift demonstrates that you went out of your way to get it.
Quality Time
For some people, nothing says “I love you” more than playing cards on a Friday night, watching a movie together, or doing anything else where they have your undivided attention. Scheduling “alone time” will make them feel incredibly special, and loved.
Words of Affirmation
If it makes you happy, affirmed and loved when people say kind things about you, then Words of Affirmation is probably your love language. Hearing “I love you” often makes you truly feel loved and appreciated. If you know this is someone’s love language, then pay very close attention to the words you use, and make sure they are positive, uplifting, and affirming.
Physical Touch
This love language is not about intimacy; it’s about demonstrating love through close proximity – a gentle touch, holding hands, and hugging. If you feel emotionally connected through appropriate physical touch, then this is likely your love language.
Here are three steps to strengthening your relationships with the 5 Love Languages:
1. Learn your love language
Click here, and take the 5 Love Languages quiz. It only takes a few minutes, and it’s free! Make sure you print or write down the results, so you have it for future reference.
2. Share your love language with others
This will help others to know how to make you feel appreciated and loved. Make sure they also take the quiz, so you can learn how best to make them feel important and loved.
3. Develop the habit of loving people in their love language, rather than yours
This is the hard part. Because we thrive on being loved in the way that speaks to us, it’s natural to love others this way. It’s like the difference between the Golden Rule and the Platinum Rule. The Golden Rule is “doing unto others as you would have done unto you.” The Platinum Rule is “treat others as they want to be treated.” So it is with the 5 Love Languages.
Discovering your primary love language, and the love language of those closest to you, will be a game-changer in your relationships. It’s not enough to know what the love language is – you must also modify your behavior to make sure you’re speaking their love language.
This is a simple, yet powerful way to strengthen relationships, and experience the joy of growing closer to the people you love. Try it out, and then write to me to share the difference it’s making in your relationships… and in your life!
